When I first heard about fexting on TikTok (where else?), I realized it was something I’d been engaging in for years, particularly in my last long-term relationship. We’d “fext”—that is, fight over text—about everything from the small things to the more serious issues. We’d spend a whole day arguing over an uncleaned pan in the sink (which I took as a sign that he had zero respect for me and our life together) or the ex who persistently crept up in his life.
Born from a messy smorgasbord of insecurity and mistrust (a result of being lied to and gaslit), I would push and push and push via text, to a point where my partner would explode. My anxiety would force me to pick arguments about something small he’d said, or what he was doing when we weren’t together, or old wounds I hadn’t moved on from. Fexting was an outlet for the constant anxiety I experienced in our relationship (a red flag that, were I to experience it now after years of healing and growth, I would immediately walk away from).
“Fexting is that moment you realize you’re having a full-blown argument with your partner via messages,” says relationship expert Hayley Quinn. “Maybe your blood is boiling after you spent ages carefully crafting a message about how you feel, only to get a lazy GIF as a response from your partner. Maybe one of you is refusing to talk on the phone, so you’re resorting to angry messages. Perhaps you even left the house during an argument and want to get the last word in.”
Arguments (even frequent ones) don't mean your relationship is doomed.
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Anxieties are one of the key contributors to fexting, the experts agree—as is the need to get things sorted right now (which I can definitely relate to, as I hate arguments with people I love lasting longer than absolutely necessary). “We live in an age of instant communication, so if something’s bothering you about your relationship, or you feel the person you’re seeing is becoming distant, you may feel an urge to act in the moment rather than wait for your next face to face conversation,” explains Quinn. “If you’re feeling anxious about the state of your relationship, then you may also inadvertently trigger an argument; even though it’s unhealthy when your partner responds to your angry message, you get confirmation that they are ‘there.’” This sounds all too familiar.
But that’s not the only reason we fext in our relationships; in fact, it’s often a way to make potential confrontation feel less daunting. “Conflict is vulnerable and uncomfortable, and having it via text rather than talking in person is a way to manage that discomfort and avoid confrontation,” says relationship coach Vicki Pavitt.
Unfortunately, fexting often continues and then escalates from there. “Miscommunication is the usual culprit,” says Anastasiya Pochotna, an expert at the dating app Flirtini. “It’s hard to know how someone is truly feeling through text, and innocent messages can come off as rude, sarcastic, or confrontational.”
When speaking to friends and peers, I quickly realized that though my experiences are not ideal, they’re not uncommon either. “My ex and I had so many arguments over text, which culminated in us breaking up over text after five years together,” one friend tells me. Another, who was in a long-distance relationship, says: “Communication was the main thing we fought over; at distance, all you have is texting and sharing information.” She found that fexting often happened when “you’re bringing up an issue and it becomes a huge argument you never even intended it to be.”
Another friend—who just got engaged to her partner—admits that fexting is a common occurrence in her relationship, but that it actually works for them. “We argue a lot over text and not much in person—neither of us like face to face confrontation,” she tells me. “Arguments can be anything from sending petty pictures of mess the other person has left around the house or playing tit-for-tat until we’re tired of it, to full blown ‘screaming,’ or typing in caps, about more serious things like a lie he’s been caught telling.”
As in the previous situation, this friend has periods where she does long-distance with her partner, meaning “arguing over text is our only option as we’re too impatient to wait for a phone call to discuss or wait to see each other again.” And while most things are dropped and forgotten about within a few hours, she says, “We will sometimes go back to it in person depending on what the argument was about.” She adds: “We follow the five-day rule with arguments—if we’re likely to not remember what we’re arguing about in five days, then we drop it.”
So perhaps fexting isn’t always negative? This is something dating expert Sarah Louise Ryan agrees with: “It’s a useful tool, as sometimes individuals in a couple have different processing speeds. By typing out thoughts and feelings, it may give each person time to come into co-regulation, if there is enough empathy to see each other’s point of view and take both time and consideration in each response.”
But fexting must be be done in the correct way, and that usually means waiting to see each other in person to really clear the air. “Prioritize in-person conversations or video calls for sensitive topics so you can co-regulate with your partner [the ability to soothe and regulate each other’s emotions through comforting and supportive interactions],” suggests Pavitt.
If your partner’s message has upset or irritated you, it can be best to hit pause for immediately launching into a “fext.” “After having a few hours to cool off, you may not feel as strongly as you do in the moment,” says Hayley. “This doesn’t mean you then have to sweep your relationship issues under the carpet, but that you can deal with them when you next see your partner in person. If you have a long-distance relationship, hopping on a video call is a much better method of communication than fexting.”
Arguing can be constructive. It allows you to air any issues and work through them together. But what I’ve learned is that fexting is, for me, rarely constructive. From now on, with the new person I’m dating (which is also long-distance sometimes), when any issues arise, I will be putting the phone down, leaving my keyboard-warrior past behind me, and talking it out with her IRL or on FaceTime instead.
